You lie in your bed, your arms spread out on either side of you. Your nose is pointed up at the ceiling. Your eyes are blank, open yet not registering anything. Your face is drawn into a painfully tight smile. You shift your gaze down and look out at the endless gray expanse outside the window. The curtains are fluttering in the wind. You feel the cool breeze against your face and you close your eyes for a moment, imagining, giving in to hopes and suddenly, you are transported back to the present and your eyes snap open and you smile again, that painfully tight smile.
Your face is illuminated by a harsh white glow as a flash of lightning scars the gray expanse outside your window. You pay no heed to it for your mind is absorbed in something else. You are thinking. You are regretting. You are struggling against the currents , trying to swim backwards in the river of time. You fail to do so physically, but your mind is nimble. You find your thoughts drifting back to the past and your ethereal self lives through those beautiful memories again.
“That’s what they are now; memories”, the cynical part of you reflects and that painful smile tightens further. Your lips are smiling, but your eyes are dark abysses; unfathomable in the depth of your emotions, rocking violently in the storm raging in your mind. What do you want to do? You have no idea. Yet, amidst all the chaos, there is a spot of silence, of peace and relative serenity ( though not happiness or satisfaction) . Another scar of lightning rends the sky. It’s followed shortly by an ominous rumbling. A deep roar of impatience and unchecked fury and acute dissatisfaction. It’s the roar of Thunder.
You flinch as the glass panes shake under the compulsive onslaught of the sonic wave. It’s painfully loud , yet not as loud as the lament of your soul. You smile again, thinking of the comparison you just conjured. And yet again are you tossed around in the tumultuous waves of reality. The currents get stronger and you realize wistfully that even your mind won’t be able to wander off into that beautiful past once the river has flown long enough. Not even your mind is nimble enough to avoid or overcome that current. You are about to lose it all and you feel desperate. Is that what you want? To forget something so memorable? Your mind screams in derisive frustration. You shut your eyes tightly, trying to overcome that feeling. You want to think about something else, anything else, but your mind is consumed by that one thought. You open your eyes again and they are just like they were- dark abysses. But the smile is missing this time. Cynicism can go just that far. Random images flicker through your mind, few words that didn’t actually mean much back at that time but words which you cherish now as vestiges of a time that’s passed, of a fortune that’s lost forever.
You can feel something sinking and you realize it’s your heart. You crave for the satisfaction that you know will never be yours. You just watch yourself sinking deeper into the quagmire, helpless in your traumatic realization of the way it’s going to end. You know what has passed and you also know what will come to pass. You just want to live happily but you often end up doubting the validity of happiness in your life. It’s a relative concept. Happiness is the result of satisfaction. You however know very well that satisfaction would never be yours.
The desperation is finally starting to overcome your defences. You feel like you need to lighten up yet you seem unable to come up with an outlet. It’s getting really suffocating. You try to reach out for a helping hand but it turns out to be insubstantial. You lie in your bed and your face spreads into a smile again, a sad smile. Your eyes are no longer dark abysses. There is a faint light. The fickle flame of hope burns bright in the absolute darkness of your eyes. The sad smile lingers on your face and you lift your hand up hesitantly with fingers outstretched and palm facing upwards. You look imploringly at the dark ceiling, hoping against hope that maybe your desires could overcome the boundaries of space and time and once, just for once, would you actually behold and even touch the object of your desires.
You hold your hand out for a few seconds, twisting it slowly in the air, watching the shadows shift slowly. Your hope diminishes with every passing second. You finally let your hand collapse back on the bed. A soft sigh escapes your lips. That smile takes on a painful edge once again. The light leaves your eyes again. Your eyes are dark abysses once more. You lie back with the same empty feeling in your heart. It’s just too much to take. You want to let it all out. Your lips tremble slightly as you think back on the past. You feel like a dam is about to burst. You prepare yourself. You get ready to cry, to let it all out and then you wait. You wait for a long time, staring up at the ceiling, but something is wrong. You heart is just as heavy as it was. You lay back and sigh once again, a sigh of sadness and defeat. Your heart moans in anguish, lamenting at the futility of your actions and yet, your eyes are dry. Those tears just won’t fall.